As I sat prepping my testimony for Tuesday I was overcome by the weight of it. I’ve shared it many times before but looking at it now, in its entirety I was brought to tears with both the level of pain and the incredible blessing of God’s goodness. So much of my life has been spent in deep lament, I missed the little girl I once was. God told me a few months ago that “the season of suffering has ended” and “take off your grave clothes.” I wept with relief, but grieved that I have spent so much time there. I didn’t know what life as an adult looked like outside of heavy grief.
Lamentations 3 came to mind, verses 17-20 speak to my reality. I truly had forgotten what prosperity looked like, I had been deprived of peace for too long. “Great is your faithfulness” is one of those ‘tshirt verses’, quoted so often in victory, but a pastor pointed out to me recently that it was written while Jerusalem lay in ruin. It is not from a place of victory at all; but from a decimated city in desperate need of a Saviour. Verses 21-22 injected me with so much hope. I felt strength returning to my spirit. I love that this verse is almost a form of spiritual warfare, a battle cry; a way that we can “take our thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ” (2 Cor 10:5).
I have spent the last decade learning about the relationship between the brain and the body and its remarkable design. Our thoughts control our bodies, so when we voice that pain, pour out our hearts to Jesus and truly lament - and then choose to, despite everything, stop, and say “yet this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope” (v21) in the middle of the war, it is an immensely powerful tool for healing. This is how we can begin to be transformed by the renewing of our mind (Rom 12:2). Verse 24 reinforces this.
Because of his great love we are not consumed (v22) by fear, death, destruction or the devil, His mercy and compassion are enough for each day (v23). He will sustain us. He is good to us. My hope is safe and secure in Him (Heb 6:19-20).
I thought back to myself as a little girl. I grieved again for that child that grew up way too fast. I thought back to her playing innocently, I remembered what it felt like to be truly at peace, what it felt like to be a kid, completely unaware of the devastation that would come. I felt sad because I wish it could be like that again, I missed it so much. But verse 27 brought perspective - despite the horror, a strength can come from this. Though He brought grief He also showed compassion (v32), He redeemed my life (v58).
I realised that I am not that little girl anymore, I did lose all those loved ones, I did witness that suicide, two of our babies are in heaven, our world did collapse and our hearts did shatter and we can never go back. But, here I am worshipping at Tauernhof, and despite all the loss and all the pain - joy is still here, our Saviour is still alive and I will rejoice because our salvation is in Him. He will wipe every tear from our eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, [for one day] the old order of things will have passed away (Rev 21:4). So I will boldly share my testimony and boast of His great faithfulness and His compassions that are new every morning.