We're [still] bleeding as we bow to kneel

Decades ago our parents had a weekend away on Motutapu Island and started a legacy. 29 years and 27 kids later and I’ve realised the gravity of that.

Our parents created something so much bigger than themselves. Because of their friendship, us kids have grown up surrounded by a community. We don’t see each other all the time, but we have an inseparable bond.

Our parents taught us that we need to do life together.

They’ve been there to toast to the good times, dance at weddings and they’ve travelled the world together. They’ve been there to pray and encourage each other in the middle of the night. They’ve dropped everything and driven hours just to hold each other in times of heartache.

Things right now are awful. I don’t know why Irene, Deborah & George all had to leave so suddenly. 

It physically hurts our hearts and I don’t think that part will ever fully heal. But maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be. Because the love ran so deep. We will just continue to build life around the grief; but it’ll always be with us.

Their lives taught us that it’s possible to hold immense joy and heavy grief in the same moment.
Their lives taught us to say I love you every time we say goodbye; and mean it.
Their lives taught us to drive for five hours just to see someone for one.
Their lives taught us to book the house on the beach and keep inviting people until it overflows.
Their lives taught us that time together is a gift.

But most importantly, their lives taught us that despite all the pain and all the anguish; all the questions that will remain unanswered, all the heartache, all the tears and all the years lost, it is still worth giving everything we have to Jesus.

As the years pass the number of funerals we attend will grow, we can be sure of that. Jesus promised that in this world we would have trouble. But he also promised salvation to those who trust in Him, oh the hope we can cling onto.

No string of letters can ever encapsulate the loss we feel. But Jesus knows. He grieves with us.
So we will endure the grief, together we will sit in our pain and although we’re [still] bleeding as we bow to kneel, we will continue to kneel. Always.

“The thought of my suffering and homelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, "The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!" The Lord is good to those who depend on him, to those who search for him. So it is good to wait quietly for salvation from the Lord. And it is good for people to submit at an early age to the yoke of his discipline: Let them sit alone in silence beneath the Lord 's demands. Let them lie face down in the dust, for there may be hope at last. Let them turn the other cheek to those who strike them and accept the insults of their enemies. For no one is abandoned by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion because of the greatness of his unfailing love.” Lamentations 3:19-32 NLT

The Healing I Could Only Dream Of

In the last year I have gained the kind of freedom and healing that I once could only dream of. God radically healed almost every part of me physically and mentally. I feel as if I’ve got a whole new brain. Sarah 2.0. I recall Brad saying “who are you and what have you done with Sarah!?!?” after just a few weeks. I’ve gone from suicidal thoughts, extreme anger, running away and weekly panic attacks to being calm, full of joy and able to handle situations. I’ve even been healed from things doctors told me would never heal.

This list of results is pretty raw, I kinda can’t believe I’m putting the fact that I struggled with extreme anger online but I know you can only understand how comprehensive the healing is when you know how real the pain was. I haven’t gone into huge detail purely because there isn’t space. But maybe one day I’ll write more. This is also the “practical” version of the story, the spiritual version of how God weaved everything together is eight times longer and seventy times more beautiful. But this is for those who want the straight up results.

I’m posting this at 9.30pm on a Friday because chances are, if you’re reading this tonight you may have struggled with some of the things I have. Anxiety and depression are the things that make you feel lonely, helpless and hopeless. I spent countless nights scrolling, just looking for an answer and a cure. If that’s you right now, I’m praying for your breakthrough, in Jesus name.

Just a few things before you read on:

This is purely my own experience. I’m not affiliated in any way with the course and have nothing to gain. I just know how powerful it is and I know how many people could benefit from it. We’ve already had 5 friends attend the course since I did mine, with varying physical/mental issues. Everyone saw results and will continue to as they journey! 

I also don’t want to underplay God’s role in this. He orchestrated everything. Although the course is totally based on science (it’s not in any way religious/faith based and I’ve seen many non-faith based people see huge results) I saw so many links to the bible and what it teaches us about how to think and how God has made us. It just reminds me of how wonderfully we are designed.

The course uses a type of language where you remove identity statements e.g. “I am doing depression” rather than “I am depressed” to remove that label from yourself and make it a tangible thing that you have control over. This was a game changer for me - why would I “do” anxiety, I mean, that’s so silly! So when you read I was “doing” or “I did” below, that is why.


So here we go…On Feb 6 2019 I had a wakeboarding fall which resulted in a severe concussion that took me (and Brad) out big time. After the darkest, most gut wrenching year (cue this post), on 28 Jan 2020 I attended a course called The Switch and saw incredible healing in the concussion and a myriad of pre-existing conditions. Brad attended the course as my support person and he too has seen healing. The course teaches you how to take your thoughts captive, replace them with new ones and calm your stress response. (Stress is responsible for 75-90% illnesses).

It's hard to write all my results as there are just too many to note. I'm so healthy I forget how bad it used to be. I'm certain there are some which have been forgotten, but here are some highlights…

After seeing 6 psychiatrists the year prior to The Switch I had little to no results. I had also met with multiple counsellors, pastors, youth leaders and respected friends over the 7 years before that to try and overcome some of my issues. Again, I saw almost no results and nothing that lasted more than a few days.

Since doing The Switch:

• I no longer “do” concussion symptoms including; fatigue, pain, dizziness, nausea, fogginess, sleep issues, noise sensitivity, light sensitivity and chronic headaches. I no longer get lost driving and after almost a year of working merely a few hours and then "crashing" I have worked 40+ hours a week since. 

• After 52 weeks of attending physio/osteo, I went back 3 weeks after doing The Switch. The physio took one look at me and said: "What have you done? You're talking more than ever, your posture is better and your neck and shoulders are completely loose. If you’re not in pain you don't need to come back anymore!" I wasn’t, so I haven't since!

• I went cold turkey on my meds the day the course started (antidepressants, sleep and pain meds). I had tried this 3 times before with terrible results. NB: this was not encouraged by the course but was my own choice.

• I no longer do chronic back and neck pain (which had been present since 2013).

• I no longer do anxiety - after 15 years of symptoms.

• I haven't done a panic attack for more than 16 months! I used to regularly get tunnel vision, numb hands, chest pain, heart palpitations, shortness of breath, warped hearing and a ton of other symptoms.

• I no longer do overwhelmed - I used to yell and scream and basically turn into a toddler regularly.

• I dropped my antique engagement ring in the ocean and it was lost for 20 hours before an incredibly kind man found it. Before it was found (which was a bit of a miracle in itself after the tides!!) I cried of course, but I didn’t lose the plot, I didn’t have extreme guilt and I didn’t get angry, even though it was 100% my own fault.

• I haven't done depression or suicidal thoughts ONCE since the course - after 7 years of symptoms.

• I no longer do Raynaud's Syndrome (which my Dr. said was incurable!).

• I no longer do PMS (Brad is quite relieved!!).

• I no longer do any period pain at all - I always had intense pains and even Tramadol wouldn’t ease it. After 7 years of being on medication for it, I came off and my period returned right on time, with no pain at all. PCOS and Endo run in the family and the doctor had said it’s a reality I would ‘always’ have to deal with - clearly he was wrong on that one!

• I also had a chronic eye infection that 4 different optometrists said was something I’d have to live with for the rest of my life. It’s gone.

• I no longer have extreme anxiety about having children.

• I no longer do extreme anger or lose the plot. I have stopped running away. 

• I can go to the supermarket without losing the plot. I can read what’s on the shelves clearly and I can buy things without getting overwhelmed.

• I now sleep deeply and soundly.

• I can now eat tomatoes, smoothies, berries, nuts and other weirdly textured things without gagging - tomatoes are now one of my favourites! I still hate mushrooms but I think most can agree that’s just because they suck.

• I can try new foods!!!

• My fingernails are strong now and don’t break easily!

• I am calm, I can handle situations.

• I ended up in hospital with 5 stomach ulcers as a result of the extreme stress I'd had before the Switch, combined with high dose medications. I was unusually calm during the 24 hours in hospital, despite not knowing the cause of the internal bleeding for some time.

• 6 months post the Switch my cortisol levels were at 1057 (the safe range is 200-700) and 10 months post the Switch they were in the 600's - I am sure they will have dropped even more now as I feel so great.

• I can buy things without doing stress and guilt over spending money. Back in the day even spending $3 would have me second guessing, calling Brad and Mum and standing in a shop for 20-30 minutes deciding whether it was worth it or not.

• I no longer grind my teeth while sleeping - I used to need a night guard to stop causing more damage!

• I no longer do bunion pain - apart from after a 21.1km run which made sense! But overall I've had less bunion pain this year than any other time in my life. Again, doctors said there was no cure to this...

• I have good self esteem and body image.

• I can actually call myself beautiful and believe it for the first time!

• I loved our 3.5 week South Island trip and I didn't do stress and it was our most enjoyable holiday yet. In other holidays I would have panic attacks, have every second planned out and lose it if things went wrong.

• I enjoy life and can find good in the hard times.

• We bought a house very unexpectedly and I didn't “do” stress!

• We didn't get to go on our 6 month OE to Europe (hey 2020) that I’d been dreaming about since I was 5 and we still ended up having the best year ever!!

• My relationships are immensely better, I was able to forgive and move on from past offences too.

• We joined a new church which is very loud and I can attend happily with no noise or light sensitivity.

• Our life has been busier, with more responsibilities and expenses than ever and I can handle it - Brad even left a stable salary in the construction industry to go out on his own and I was ok with it. Which is massive (keeping in mind I’m self employed and have always had a fluctuating income).

Some bigger things:

2.5 weeks after the Switch I was able to travel on my own to Florida, USA, spend a week there, shoot an amazing wedding for 14 hours, dance all night, only get 4 hours sleep, wake up and edit 50 sneak peek images and then enjoy the rest of my time there. I did not struggle with jet lag and was able to navigate the 6 flights on my own. Prior to The Switch I couldn't even manage to book a taxi to physio and if I did drive I got lost regularly. 

Before doing The Switch I'd never run more than 1km. Since then I have started running and did Round The Bays (8.4km) only five weeks after the course and I ran the Auckland Half Marathon 10 months later, without stopping - I beat my all time distance PB by 11.2km and my time goal by 2 minutes 30 seconds. I had also just had the internal bleeding/stomach ulcers a few weeks prior. I've just started classes at The Dust Palace so will be on the silks, trapeze and hoops learning new tricks and getting stronger. I joined without doing any anxiety or overthinking!

I vowed to never wakeboard again due to immense PTSD, but last week I tried wakesurfing behind the same boat I had my accident on and then decided to try wakeboarding one more time. I got up the first time and everyone on the beach cheered me on. I boarded one lap around the lake and back to the beach, grinning the entire time! It's amazing to have a great memory associated with it now. 

As I said before, these are just some of the results I’ve had in the last 12 months and I’m sure they will continue as I uncover more things to “switch” on. The Switch can be used on chronic fatigue, eating disorders, allergies, eczema, infertility, PCOS, endometriosis, autoimmune diseases, food intolerances, digestive disorders, insomnia, CRPS and SO much more. Our brains are powerful and our bodies are often just doing what we’re telling them to do due to longstanding habits. 

So that’s a wee list of some of the epic things that happened in 2020. The crazy thing is, this isn’t even everything and I literally can’t describe the extent of what God did last year, even if I had 30,000 words and a powerpoint. This is just a list of the healing I saw, it doesn’t include the intricate details of how Jesus weaved everything together, how he used what was intended for evil, for good. How he whispered things to give me strength and how He used friends and family to encourage us when Brad and I were at our lowest. Those are stories I’ll have to share as time goes on.

This wasn’t a magical course where you go and walk away healed. Not everyone who does it sees these kinds of results. I had to put in the work. Every time I noticed an old thinking pattern, reaction or symptom I had to do something about it if I wanted to see the change. I was the only person capable of making it happen. I was so desperate to be well that I did “switches” on everything I possibly could. At the beginning I did multiple switches a day and as time has gone on I’ve done less and less. Some things, like the concussion, were healed within a few days, others such as extreme anger and anxiety took months and I am still working on destroying those pathways I spent years building. BUT it’s such an easy process and a “switch” can be done in a few minutes. It’s fast, it’s not overwhelming and it’s empowering. 

All this to say, healing is possible. I felt so broken and unfixable, thinking that nothing would ever heal me. But this did because it targeted the root of the issues. It’s amazing how fast our brains can rewire themselves. This is in no way to promote myself, but I want everyone to know that there is hope, even if you’ve struggled with something for years. Even if you’ve been told you’ll never get healed from mental illness, I’m living proof that you can! 

I mean, all this happened in 2020, the most ridiculous, unexpected, stressful year for most of the planet. So if that’s not proof that this course works then I don’t know what is.

Glory to God alone.

If you’ve been journeying illness of any kind for a while, I’m so sorry. It can be so lonely and it can feel so hopeless. But I promise you, you aren’t alone. God sees you, He knows you and He loves you. Tell Him how heavy your heart is, He can handle it and He can heal it. This isn’t the end. I am praying for you and for your breakthrough, mine took 7 years. Some journeys are shorter, others much longer. I am believing on your behalf for you to see a miracle. But at the end of the day, what Jesus did 2000 years ago on the cross was the greatest miracle of all and that’s the true healing we are all searching for, the only one that can fill that longing in our hearts and the only healing that lasts forever.

If you want to read up some more, I did my course with Mel - www.empowertherapies.co.nz. She is highly experienced and a fantastic teacher. Also just a note, I gain nothing from this, I’m not affiliated with her services in any way, I just want everyone to experience the freedom that I have because I know it’s possible.

I’m sure I’ll post more about this in the future. Feel free to flick me a message if you have questions - hello@sarahflorence.com.

“You know I don’t live at the beach?”

“You know I don’t live at the beach?”

He graciously whispered...

I finished work early and couldn’t bring myself to leave Tauranga. So I drove to the Mount for some time with God, I knew he had something to say to me. I felt restless and I knew I couldn’t leave until he’d said it.

“You know I don’t live at the beach?”

I chuckled; there it was.

He knew I’d been forgetting.

I have spent too much of my time chasing mountains and waves as if God lives there. But He never lived there. I mean, He is at the beach, He will be as long as we are, but He’s also in the car and at the supermarket and in the bathroom at work and wherever our lives lead us.

As long as we seek him wholeheartedly we will find him, he promises that.

(Photo from Mahanga Beach, Mahia)

He then showed me a vision...

Last Sunday God reminded me of this photo, this moment in Christchurch. I hadn’t even realised the significance of it.

Last year at one of my weakest moments God gave me a vision of a battle taking place at Castle Hill in Christchurch. I could see him carrying a limp and wounded body out as arrows whipped past on either side. The body was so broken and I knew it was me. He then showed me a vision of myself looking up and spinning around in long grass grinning, filled with joy.

I knew I was going to be ok, that the healing would come.
That it had been promised.
But I knew it was still a little way off.

My reality was still that limp and wounded body being carried out, and those wounds wouldn’t heal for some time. So when he reminded me of this photo on Sunday I realised that he had shown me a prophecy and I had completely forgotten about it, but he fulfilled that promise.

It’s also really cool looking back to the second photo, taken in 2019. Same jumper, same winter wonderland but such a different girl. It probably doesn’t look too different but I see two vastly different people. One broken, tense and struggling to trust, and one who is relaxed, who has witnessed the healing and is on the road to recovery. There was still joy in that second photo though, because he was with me, even in the midst of the pain.

I just want to encourage anyone that’s struggling, that Jesus is with you in the battle, He’s with you every single step of the way. He is with us in our mess and in our heartache and even though the healing may seem a long way off, He promises that he is our refuge.

There are a hundred verses that remind us of these things but this one brings me the most hope, a prophecy of the birth of a saviour, the moment that changed history, “the people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of deep darkness a light has dawned... For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given.” Isaiah 9:2-6

So take heart, let his love lead you through the night. Hold onto hope. He is with you, even till the end of the age.

Live for the moments you can't put into words

Live for the moments you can’t put into words.

A few years back we brought in the new year down on the Coromandel. We went camping for a week with a bunch of mates. It was one of the first times I went into a new year feeling content and expectant for what was to come.

The day after New Years Day we headed down to the beach to spend the night, as we left our campsite the brightest shooting star shot across the sky and stopped us all as we stood in awe. Walking down to the beach we passed hundreds of little glow worms lining the path. We got to the beach and the boys started a fire. Side note: it was the FUNNIEST thing, they all went into hunter/gatherer mode and ripped their shirts off (see above) as they ran around scavenging for firewood, us girls couldn’t stop laughing at the way they all changed. I guess that’s the way boys are wired isn’t it! Anyway, we sat around listening to music and chatting away. Huge sets were rolling in and as every wave broke it was full of bioluminescent plankton which sent a brilliant blue light shooting along the waves. I’d seen the plankton many times before, but I’d never seen so much. It was spectacular. We then lay in awe as countless shooting stars lit up the moonless sky. It was like something out of a music video. Seriously, it didn’t feel like real life. I still can’t quite believe that it was.

It was one of those nights where you just couldn’t help but worship.

We changed the playlist to a worship one and all lay there singing praises to our God until the early hours of the morning.

It was a warm night and we fell asleep to the sound of the ocean, waking up a few hours later for sunrise.

We need more of this stuff, spontaneous moments where you don’t think too much. We need to get out of routines and just be. Especially after what we’ve all just been through as a nation. We’ve learnt a new way of living over the last 7 weeks, although it has been hard, there are still things we can take away and integrate into life going forward. We’d be silly not to.

The only trip you’ll regret is the one you didn’t take. It doesn’t even have to be far, if you’re living in NZ there are a million places you can walk to that won’t cost you a thing. Pull out your old bucket list, or sit down and spend some time creating a new one. I guarantee you’ll have fun dreaming about all the things you want to do. When we got home from our New Years trip I went to check off a few things that we’d done. I sat reading all the things I’d already crossed off over the last 10 years and I was filled with gratitude and wonder. There were so many that I’d forgotten. I needed the reminder, although some seasons had been hard, dotted throughout the journey were so many moments of joy. Seek out those moments you can’t put into words.

When was the last time you did something for the first time?

“Today I’d like you to just be”

We had planned to explore Mount Cook for the day before heading up to Christchurch. But as we sat on the shores of Lake Tekapo I felt God gently say “just be, I want you to just be today.”

I wasn’t sure why he said it, but we decided to listen and take it slow. We sat in reverence looking over the waters to the mountains dominating the horizon. We then drove over to Christchurch earlier than expected and bumped into dear friends who we hadn’t seen properly for 4 years.

I had been nervous to go to Christchurch, but instead it was a time of healing, for both our hearts. Brad because he hadn’t been back since he lived there through the destruction of 2011 and myself - because my heart had hardened towards Fiji and my time living there on outreach.

Through a simple message of “today I’d like you to just be” God set in motion the gentle but significant healing of our hearts, in a city where destruction and heartache used to reign but that has now been rebuilt stronger than ever. This day is one I will never forget

Royalty

I recently watched the new Aladdin movie, I ABSOLUTELY loved it. It filled my head all with the bible stories. The images of the city made me realise the context of when Bathsheba was bathing on the roof when King David saw her. It made me think of Queen Esther and how she and King Xerxes ruled over 129 provinces from India to Cush - which stretches from Ethiopia to the Arabic Peninsula.

So often girls are told not to “be a princess” someone who is spoilt, demanding, weak and overall pretty useless. But the actual definition of princess is not this modern idea of a lady who lunches while her servants do the work. The definition of a princess is “the daughter of a monarch” the daughter of a King. First and foremost you are a princess if your father is the King. In the British Monarchy you can only be a princess if you are the daughter of royalty, not just if you marry a prince - if you marry a prince you’re just called a Duchess. A princess knows who she is and she knows who her Dad is - the King. She has a different mindset.

During the latest Aladdin remake (spoiler alert) Princess Jasmine wants to be the Sultan - to be Queen and rule the land. The awesome twist in the remake is that she becomes Sultan before she marries Aladdin. She was strong, courageous and just. Before this happens though she is taken away to be killed, she has this awesome scene where she sings ‘Speechless’ - a powerful song about how she won’t be speechless even when the men are trying to silence her. She sings the words “don’t you underestimate me.” It’s a powerful scene. During it I couldn’t help but think of it as an image of when God’s children stand up to the devil and won’t be silenced as they help the poor, feed the hungry, cast out demons and heal the sick through the power of Jesus.

The definition of princess has been so twisted, something I truly think is the work of the devil. He has been trying to silence woman and reduce princesses to mere spoilt brats who sit around and get lunch. But to me the definition of a princess is the daughter of a King, who is brave and courageous. Someone who won’t go speechless. Someone who stands up for what she believes in, someone who is just. Someone who is a voice for the voiceless. A warrior for her kingdom.

We are called children of God, therefore you’re called to be a princess because your Dad is the King. When we accept Jesus’ invitation to follow him we get a new lineage. Our old bloodline of brokenness is replaced with HIS lineage. The lineage covered in His blood. We are born again into His family. Which means our ancestral line becomes that same line - filled with royal warriors who were brave and courageous. Noah, Joseph, David, Esther, Rahab, Mary, Paul and so many more. Men and women who changed history.

Perhaps you’ve been planted

When you’re in a dark place, you tend to think you’ve been buried. Perhaps you’ve been planted. Bloom – Christine Caine.

Everything fell into place. The hurt, the tension, the pain and misunderstanding of my circumstances, my anger towards God. No, I hadn’t been buried, left to die; I’d been left to bloom. Planted deeper in the soil than I’d ever been before.

He was breaking new ground.

It’s what I’d prayed for, I just didn’t think it would happen that way.

After slipping into a darker depression than I had ever known, I hadn’t just reached breaking point, but gone quite far past that. After a severe concussion I was left physically hurt, mentally a mess and emotionally worse than I’d ever been. At one stage I couldn’t walk, open my mouth, read, process speech, look at my phone or drive. I was relying on medication taking 20 pills a day to get through. It was dark. I spent 3 months in bed, so isolated, anything made me nauseous and I couldn’t control my anger or tears. I had horrible visions of suicide plaguing me day and night. I ran away, twice. I thought I was done with depression 6 years ago, but it was back, sinking its claws deeper into my heart than it ever had before. I was tired of this battle. How could I be back here again?

I was at church and couldn’t bring myself to sing the words “He is good,” I doubted my faith more than I ever had before. But the lyrics of Amanda Cook’s album sung over me;

“some have died here but I choose to live”

I knew the truth in that. I couldn’t let this destroy me. We have lost too many souls to this battle.

My number one goal for this year was to strengthen my relationship with Papa – our God. So you can imagine my hurt when 4 weeks into the year I was diagnosed with a severe concussion, unable to read the bible, listen to podcasts or worship, attend church or even a small group for months. But when everything was stripped away, it meant the only thing I could do was sit at his feet and talk and listen. I had tried to do all the “holy” things when I heard him say “I will take you to a place if you’ll let me” I finally gave in and was taken to a beautiful garden. I reached out and took his hand and noticed my hand was tiny and chubby – as it was when I was five or six years old. He guided me down a path full of daisies and I sat in awe, filled with joy – he knew my favourite flower, oh but of course he did. He then led me back to a room where he was seated on a throne, a huge throne, so large I couldn’t see the top. I could feel the sovereignty of the throne, feel the majesty, but it was simple, just made from a plain wood.

There is an unexplainable complexity to something so simple.

I sat in reverence before he let me climb up on to his knee and fall asleep. I was taken back to being just a small child falling asleep on my fathers knee. I woke up feeling so refreshed. I had been waiting for the big revelation, the voice from heaven, the scroll to appear telling me what to do. But instead He did exactly what I needed, He gave me a comforting message where the simplicity of it all taught me more than anything else ever could. He is my Dad, my Papa, He knows my favourite flowers and He put them there to bring me joy; He is a safe place.

I had a vision back in October 2018 which actually brought more frustration than anything in the last few months. In that vision I saw a dove gliding through the air over the lands, I knew I was the dove and that Jesus was with me. I was loving it, I felt free with so much joy. But suddenly the dove was torn viciously from the sky by a dark, bloody, dirty hand. It then locked the dove in a cage, I could feel its pain, I could feel its isolation. After a time I saw the Holy Spirit swirl in, gold and white – in a way that I can’t describe, but it broke the lock and set the dove free. I was flying again with Jesus and I felt like he said “it is finished, depression is finished.” I rejoiced thinking wow, He is so good and He alone has healed me. I had a great few months over summer with that vision in mind, until I was hit by this terrible concussion in February. I felt just like that dove, ripped from the sky so aggressively; so suddenly.

I was angry and confused that God had given me such hope of freedom but then let me go back to that dark place, even darker than it had ever been. I so desperately wanted to believe the truth my head knew about God and how he is good and trustworthy; but my heart just didn’t get it.

Then three months after the concussion a friend called to say her and her boyfriend had been praying for us. While they’d been praying he had said “maybe the vision wasn’t what God had done, but a prophecy of what was to come.” It was a lightbulb moment. It was so accurate. I had been abruptly ripped from the sky and felt so isolated, but this time I had new help, new understanding. God had given me three different counsellors and psychiatrists who were all working on different areas of my mental health. This time I was doing neuro-linguistic programming, a form of psychotherapy that is powerful. This time things had changed. Tangibly. He WAS healing the depression.

I spent more time underground in the soil this time. But that’s ok. It meant my roots have grown deep, now as I reach the surface I won’t be as battered by the wind but can remain stronger.

Where I am now reminds me of my Duke of Edinburgh final Silver tramp. It was in the Waitakere’s and we stood on the final cliff top and looked back to where we had been three days earlier. If they had told me that’s how far we would’ve walked on the first day I don’t know if I would have been able to do it. I was tired and bruised but looking back I could see that God was with me every step. Through it he had taken our relationship to a new level. To a new level of trust and understanding I hadn’t known and that I couldn’t have known if I hadn’t had such a severe concussion.

Today, for the first time I can truly say, I am grateful for this concussion. Although I am still struggling with symptoms and may continue for a while. I know although God didn’t cause it, he brought good from it. I would never have known that intimacy with Him if everything else hadn’t been stripped away.

The timing had been perfect, Amanda Cook’s new album has just been released and it explains my journey better than I ever could. It walks the road of being in the dark, not able to see the light. It speaks the truth of God’s nature and character, the way He gently heals; if you allow him. The way he is patient when we just don’t understand, the way he brings us to a clearing where we can finally see and breathe again.

He redeems.

“This is my awakening
That while my heart was fast asleep
You were resurrecting me.
I thought that I would never breathe
I thought the pain would never leave
But You're redeeming everything”

If you are going through a journey where you find yourself stuck in a crippling dark place, I encourage you to have a listen and really let the words speak over you, the link to her album is below. You are not alone, He will rescue you - just let him. He is the great comforter. He knows your pain. Tell him how heavy your heart is, He can handle it and He can heal it. This isn’t the end. You can find freedom, I’m living proof.

Feel free to reach out and chat - I’m here if you need.

“To the ones who feel behind,
Still searching for the light
You're not out of time, You'll see”

Amanda Cook: https://open.spotify.com/album/1knRBteR8rH7zMm6vL7hma

We’re made for community.

We’re made for community. 

Years ago our parents had a weekend away on Motutapu Island and started a legacy. 20 years and 27 kids later and I’ve realised the gravity of that.

Our parents created something so much bigger than themselves. Because of their friendship, us kids have grown up feeling supported by a community. We don’t see each other all the time, but we have an inseparable bond. 

Our parents taught us so much. 

We need to do life together.

They’ve been there to toast to the good times and they’ve travelled the world together. They’ve been there to pray and encourage each other in the middle of the night and have held each other in times of heartbreak.

Our generation needs to do this more. It’s about opening up and being real. Loving and encouraging each other and having grace for each other when we mess up; because we will, but that’s okay. It’s sitting down for a meal or having a board game night. It’s planning things together - big and small. 

Let’s change the scary stats, mental health issues are running rampant. Our generation is talking less and being isolated more, but it’s not too late to change this. We need to be there for each other.

We’re made for community.

Billy Graham

23.02.18

Yesterday was huge, the news that Billy Graham passed away really shook me. To be honest I don’t think I’ve ever heard a video of him speak, but I’ve heard stories about him all my life. The weight of what he did with his life hit me so hard I cried. What hit me most is the fact that we need to step up. 

We are all called to fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel like he has - in whatever way that looks like. 

Brad and I had this amazing “Ferb I know what we’re gonna do today” moment (if you didn’t get that reference then I’m sad you never had Phineas and Ferb in your life). Something changed last night. We’d been meaning to hang our artwork for weeks, I finally bought the picture hooks yesterday and it was a huge moment. We hung the words “as for me and my house we will serve the Lord.” As happy and excited as I am, I don’t think we realise the gravity of what that means. 

Maybe someday we’ll look back and laugh about how naive we were as we hung it. 

But I’m excited to see where He takes us next. People often ask what I’m going to do after uni, I normally say “maybe marketing, hopefully photography” and I always hold back on my true answer out of fear of rejection. But here it is and I’m actually going to be honest from now on. I know exactly what I’m going to do after uni (and for the rest of it) and have for a long time; I’m going to do what He guides me to do. I have absolute peace in that. I have no idea what I’ll do, but at the same time I know exactly what I’ll do. 

Soli Deo Gloria - All the glory to God. “Pray for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel for which I am an ambassador in chains.

Pray that I may declare it fearlessly as I should” Eph 6:19-20