Perhaps you’ve been planted

When you’re in a dark place, you tend to think you’ve been buried. Perhaps you’ve been planted. Bloom – Christine Caine.

Everything fell into place. The hurt, the tension, the pain and misunderstanding of my circumstances, my anger towards God. No, I hadn’t been buried, left to die; I’d been left to bloom. Planted deeper in the soil than I’d ever been before.

He was breaking new ground.

It’s what I’d prayed for, I just didn’t think it would happen that way.

After slipping into a darker depression than I had ever known, I hadn’t just reached breaking point, but gone quite far past that. After a severe concussion I was left physically hurt, mentally a mess and emotionally worse than I’d ever been. At one stage I couldn’t walk, open my mouth, read, process speech, look at my phone or drive. I was relying on medication taking 20 pills a day to get through. It was dark. I spent 3 months in bed, so isolated, anything made me nauseous and I couldn’t control my anger or tears. I had horrible visions of suicide plaguing me day and night. I ran away, twice. I thought I was done with depression 6 years ago, but it was back, sinking its claws deeper into my heart than it ever had before. I was tired of this battle. How could I be back here again?

I was at church and couldn’t bring myself to sing the words “He is good,” I doubted my faith more than I ever had before. But the lyrics of Amanda Cook’s album sung over me;

“some have died here but I choose to live”

I knew the truth in that. I couldn’t let this destroy me. We have lost too many souls to this battle.

My number one goal for this year was to strengthen my relationship with Papa – our God. So you can imagine my hurt when 4 weeks into the year I was diagnosed with a severe concussion, unable to read the bible, listen to podcasts or worship, attend church or even a small group for months. But when everything was stripped away, it meant the only thing I could do was sit at his feet and talk and listen. I had tried to do all the “holy” things when I heard him say “I will take you to a place if you’ll let me” I finally gave in and was taken to a beautiful garden. I reached out and took his hand and noticed my hand was tiny and chubby – as it was when I was five or six years old. He guided me down a path full of daisies and I sat in awe, filled with joy – he knew my favourite flower, oh but of course he did. He then led me back to a room where he was seated on a throne, a huge throne, so large I couldn’t see the top. I could feel the sovereignty of the throne, feel the majesty, but it was simple, just made from a plain wood.

There is an unexplainable complexity to something so simple.

I sat in reverence before he let me climb up on to his knee and fall asleep. I was taken back to being just a small child falling asleep on my fathers knee. I woke up feeling so refreshed. I had been waiting for the big revelation, the voice from heaven, the scroll to appear telling me what to do. But instead He did exactly what I needed, He gave me a comforting message where the simplicity of it all taught me more than anything else ever could. He is my Dad, my Papa, He knows my favourite flowers and He put them there to bring me joy; He is a safe place.

I had a vision back in October 2018 which actually brought more frustration than anything in the last few months. In that vision I saw a dove gliding through the air over the lands, I knew I was the dove and that Jesus was with me. I was loving it, I felt free with so much joy. But suddenly the dove was torn viciously from the sky by a dark, bloody, dirty hand. It then locked the dove in a cage, I could feel its pain, I could feel its isolation. After a time I saw the Holy Spirit swirl in, gold and white – in a way that I can’t describe, but it broke the lock and set the dove free. I was flying again with Jesus and I felt like he said “it is finished, depression is finished.” I rejoiced thinking wow, He is so good and He alone has healed me. I had a great few months over summer with that vision in mind, until I was hit by this terrible concussion in February. I felt just like that dove, ripped from the sky so aggressively; so suddenly.

I was angry and confused that God had given me such hope of freedom but then let me go back to that dark place, even darker than it had ever been. I so desperately wanted to believe the truth my head knew about God and how he is good and trustworthy; but my heart just didn’t get it.

Then three months after the concussion a friend called to say her and her boyfriend had been praying for us. While they’d been praying he had said “maybe the vision wasn’t what God had done, but a prophecy of what was to come.” It was a lightbulb moment. It was so accurate. I had been abruptly ripped from the sky and felt so isolated, but this time I had new help, new understanding. God had given me three different counsellors and psychiatrists who were all working on different areas of my mental health. This time I was doing neuro-linguistic programming, a form of psychotherapy that is powerful. This time things had changed. Tangibly. He WAS healing the depression.

I spent more time underground in the soil this time. But that’s ok. It meant my roots have grown deep, now as I reach the surface I won’t be as battered by the wind but can remain stronger.

Where I am now reminds me of my Duke of Edinburgh final Silver tramp. It was in the Waitakere’s and we stood on the final cliff top and looked back to where we had been three days earlier. If they had told me that’s how far we would’ve walked on the first day I don’t know if I would have been able to do it. I was tired and bruised but looking back I could see that God was with me every step. Through it he had taken our relationship to a new level. To a new level of trust and understanding I hadn’t known and that I couldn’t have known if I hadn’t had such a severe concussion.

Today, for the first time I can truly say, I am grateful for this concussion. Although I am still struggling with symptoms and may continue for a while. I know although God didn’t cause it, he brought good from it. I would never have known that intimacy with Him if everything else hadn’t been stripped away.

The timing had been perfect, Amanda Cook’s new album has just been released and it explains my journey better than I ever could. It walks the road of being in the dark, not able to see the light. It speaks the truth of God’s nature and character, the way He gently heals; if you allow him. The way he is patient when we just don’t understand, the way he brings us to a clearing where we can finally see and breathe again.

He redeems.

“This is my awakening
That while my heart was fast asleep
You were resurrecting me.
I thought that I would never breathe
I thought the pain would never leave
But You're redeeming everything”

If you are going through a journey where you find yourself stuck in a crippling dark place, I encourage you to have a listen and really let the words speak over you, the link to her album is below. You are not alone, He will rescue you - just let him. He is the great comforter. He knows your pain. Tell him how heavy your heart is, He can handle it and He can heal it. This isn’t the end. You can find freedom, I’m living proof.

Feel free to reach out and chat - I’m here if you need.

“To the ones who feel behind,
Still searching for the light
You're not out of time, You'll see”

Amanda Cook: https://open.spotify.com/album/1knRBteR8rH7zMm6vL7hma