Half-caste in a black and white world.
Growing up I hated getting tanned. I wore a wetsuit all summer and piled layers of sunblock on top of one another to try stop myself getting too dark. I sat there jealous of all my friends with their blonde hair and fair skin while I sat there with black hair, the beginnings of a moustache and skin that wouldn’t stop getting darker. Even my cousins - who have the same amount of Indian blood, are much more fair with hazel eyes and lighter features.
I was crushed by it.
I lived in Fiji for 2 months but felt even more conflicted there than in Auckland, as I was laughed at by relatives because I couldn’t speak Hindi.
I never knew where I stood. Every time a survey came round I dreaded the “tick one box'“ question. Do I tick European? English? Kiwi? Scottish? Pakeha? Indian?
I cringed every time I heard “so where are you from,” as it so often went:
“Where are you from?”
“Auckland”
“No, like where are you FROM?”
“I was born in Tauranga”
“No, like your parents”
“They were both born in Auckland”
“What about your Grandparents?”
”Three are Scottish/English/Kiwi with blue eyes like my Dad; and one grandparent is full Indian from Fiji. Mum is half Indian so I’m a quarter”
It often made me feel like I didn’t belong in the country I was born in or the country my parents and grandparents were born in. When Dad used to pick me up from school a few kids wondered who he was, not realising it was my Dad.
It’s hard growing up half-caste in a black and white world. I’ve been called a mongrel by a random lady at a shopping centre and been so upset by racist comments from people - even friends, who didn’t know my family background.
One night at church I felt sick, so I sat out the back for a bit. I sat on a couch in the foyer, directly between the European service in the auditorium and the Indian service in the chapel. As the services started the doors to both rooms were closed. I couldn’t help but laugh about the position I was in. It was a metaphor for my life - the doors to both sides were shut, as I sat stuck half way between. Too dark for the European’s and too light for the Indian’s.
Years ago I was waiting on MRI results from an injury and it finally hit me. The neurosurgeon wrote on his findings “I cannot seem to place Sarah into a box.” That was it. That was the answer. Although he was referring to a completely unrelated topic, it was that one little line that sparked something. I finally realised. I will never fit into the box because I wasn’t made for one. There are some things that just aren’t supposed to be one or the other. I suddenly felt so much freedom. I could spend my time being miserable and feeling left out or I could stop trying to fit in and just live.
In the words of a woman who knows this all too well; “so you make a choice: continue living your life feeling muddled in this abyss of self-misunderstanding, or you find your identity independent of it. You push for colour-blind casting, you draw your own box” - Meghan Markle.
We will never fit perfectly into a box, so stop expecting to. The moment I realised this my self-esteem grew like crazy because I began to stop comparing myself so intensely to others. I began to live in the confidence and freedom that I don’t have to be one or the other but can step out every day and draw from both sides of my racial background. Assured that although the pages of my family history are smeared with racism, poisonings, death threats and curses; they have been rendered powerless by rich blessings, love and grace.
We’ve been trying to squash people into boxes for centuries and when we use boxes or labels to judge others, we end up doing the same to ourselves. An unending oppressive spiral, where everybody is left wounded. Where people are more deflated and meek than ever. We were never meant to live suppressed by these boxes.
I wonder, if we take the first step and stop labelling ourselves, how much easier will it be to stop labelling others? I encourage you to take the first step and give yourself the grace you deserve, before taking the second and third and demonstrating it to others.
Martin Luther King Jr’s words are echoed once more, when will the time come when we aren’t known by our race but by our hearts and character?
A moment of hope in a season of bitter grief and tragedy
6 years ago today we wept hopelessly after receiving the type of call you wouldn’t wish upon anyone. Dad made the hard decision to go to work, knowing if he didn’t the chopper would be grounded. A close friend drove us girls to Tauranga with Dad planning on meeting us later.
He went to work and they got the call that a man was drowning. Coast Guard couldn’t get there on time, Eagle hovered over the waters and Dad jumped from the police helicopter and rescued him. If he didn’t go to work that day another family would’ve been feeling the grief we were.
A moment of hope in a season of bitter grief and tragedy.
I am so grateful that this mans life was saved; and that Dad could save him. But my heart is in anguish wondering why four more in Kenya couldn’t have been saved the day before. It’s a question I may grapple with my whole life.
I still don’t get it. I may never.
But somehow it was still a reminder that God is good. Even when I couldn’t bring my head to believe it. He gave us a moment of celebration in a time that was wracked with pain. He is still good. Somehow amidst it all; and I am grateful for that.
Remember when?
Remember when you wished you could be where you are right now?
I've been quite discontent lately watching so many of our friends explore the world. Seeing their stories and adventures has made me dissatisfied with my everyday. I forgot the fact that everyday for the past 5 years I dreamed of this and prayed it could be my reality. To be married to the man I love, to be brushing my teeth next to him everyday, to be vacuuming our carpet, cooking in our kitchen, to be living with him in our own little place. Why are we so quick to forget what we dreamed of when it finally becomes our reality?
There have been so many amazing moments that I've loved, but I've let myself get into the habit of comparison and it's so dangerous. I've been thinking, all these people are off travelling and I'm stuck here cooking dinner and spending 3 hours a day on the bus/train. How ridiculous! I went on more flights last year alone, than the rest of my life combined! I took that photo above in the most picturesque place I've ever been, in the heart of Austria, yet I'm sitting here thinking "everyone else gets to travel and I don't." Or complaining that now I have to be at University, something which I forget is such a privilege and also something I dreamed of!
So what is it? What is making us feel so discontent when we really have no reason to be? Comparison.
It's the thief of joy.
It strips away what we have and only makes us think about what we don't have.
One way we can combat it, is when we see a friend doing something we wish we could do, we can be happy for them. Be positive, be excited with them! Celebrating them doesn't mean you're losing out. Don't let yourself think of the "what if" or the "if only I could do that" the land of "if only" is a dangerous, unhappy and disappointing place to live.
It's something I'm seriously trying to work on after I've found myself becoming increasingly negative about everything. It has been spreading poison to every area of my life. The tiniest thing happens and I lose the plot because "I'm not lying near a pool in Bali" or "this wouldn't have happened if I was working full time like she is." The devil is just doing what he does best, trying (and succeeding) in stealing my joy in any way he can. I'm sick of letting him.
The other day Brad accidentally took both sets of keys to work with him which wasn't even his fault, so (after losing it for a few minutes) I pulled myself together, realised how silly I was being and walked down to the supermarket to get a few things. I'd never walked down before and I deliberately didn't take my phone (which was a big step in itself), so I could force myself to be truly appreciative of what was going on and how beautiful the day was. I started the walk frustrated, but walking back I made myself think of every single thing I was thankful for, big and small. It literally changed everything. All those silly lies I was believing that 'life sucked' faded in comparison to the joy I experienced. Sometimes you just have to force yourself. Start off small, if you can't think of anything, start off with "I'm thankful that I'm breathing" or "I'm thankful that I woke up today" and the rest will follow. It lifts your whole mood and shifts your mindset to one of gratitude. I know it sounds like the cheesiest message ever, but it's way more powerful thank you think. It can lead to a whole new perspective. It has been in these times of 'forced' thankfulness that I have actually ended up becoming truly thankful and saw new things and gained new revelations of God that couldn't have happened if I wasn't thankful.
Back in late 2012 I had decided to start a jar of 'little things' for 2013. I thought I'd start on Jan 1st and read them all on Dec 31st. God knew I needed it because 2013 became what I called the "year of everything" in short, the year of the most intense good times, but the most tragic times I have ever known. I wrote down just one little thing that was good everyday and put it in the jar. This was in the midst of my darkest days of depression where I saw everything through this ominous grey fog. Some days all I wrote was "I got through today" or "I saw a flower" or "someone opened the door for me." It was all I thought I had to be thankful for. Although small, these tiny moments of being thankful changed that year. It was one of the things that got me through when some days all I could think of was ending it all. That is something I am so thankful for. It slowly but surely started killing comparison because I wasn't thinking about what others had compared to me, and it started ruining the devils schemes.
Next time you see something that makes your heart flicker to jealously, discontentment or unhappiness, take control of the situation, don't let the devil have the victory. You don't have to be sad, you can celebrate with the person, celebrate their victory, what they have worked hard for. You don't know what they may have been through physically or mentally to get there themselves. It doesn't have to take away from your own happiness. But if comparison starts to creep in, think back to this time last year, or 5 years ago, or 10 years ago. Remember the times you prayed for the things you now have. Remember them, even if you have to say the same tiny little thing over and over; it's still a reason to be thankful.
You go where you look
A few years I was playing chess and I thought I was doing really well, I was 99% sure I was going to win, I had captured so many of his pieces and I had a plan to get the king. I was just waiting for the right moment to get it. As I was about to capture his bishop he swooped in out of nowhere and captured my king and won the game. It didn't matter how many pieces of his I'd captured, or what my plans to get his king were, I had lost focus and therefore I lost the game. I'm super competitive so I wasn't happy.
It reminded me of how in our walk with God we can be so focused on getting everything in line and getting all our pieces together, that we forget to go after the King, and before we know it the enemy has swooped in out of nowhere and captured us. We sometimes forget the purpose of why we are here. No matter how many pieces we have, and how well we are doing in life, it's like chess, if the enemy captures you before you get to the king, nothing else matters. We need to focus on putting our King first and not just have a plan to get there someday, but get there and stay there today.
This is because you go where you look.
I've got a lot of scars from so many different things, but many are from cycling . My Dad has told me since I was little that "you go where you look" it relates to when you are in a car or on a bike about to have an accident. He was a cop on the serious crash team for a little while, he said that before people crash they are generally looking at the things they don’t want to hit. There will be an open road with only one tree, yet 9 times out of 10 they manage to hit that one tree. People look at the gutter and say, “I don't want to end up there” Or the power pole and say “I don't want to hit that” Yet 99% of the time they end up there because they focused on it and you go where you look.
It's the same in pro sports, you look at professional surfers and snowboarders, they are halfway through one manoeuvre but they are already looking ahead at their next trick.
After many cycling crashes, and painful injuries I finally took into consideration what Dad was saying haven't crashed since. If you’re in a bad situation look ahead to the clear, to where you want to go and chances are you’ll go there instead.
Psalm 121:1-2 says “I lift my eyes to the hills – where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, Maker of heaven and earth.”
We so often focus on the problems instead of the resolutions, God wants to help us but we need to lift our eyes to him. In many relationships people constantly focus their attention on the boundaries and what they aren’t allowed to do until marriage, instead of what they can do, they aren't living in the present. They put themselves in a much more vulnerable place and so often fall. Rather than focusing on God, looking to him and striving for purity. Because you go where you look.
This reminded me of the parable of the weeds in Matthew 13:24-30.
When the workers came to the farmer and asked whether to pull out the weeds, the farmer said 'No you'll uproot the wheat if you do. Let them both grow together until the harvest'. When we focus on uprooting the weeds that the enemy has planted we sometimes unintentionally rip out the good stuff with it. Focus on growing the good crops.
It's similar with golf courses, to get that pristine grass, instead of pulling out the weeds; they focus on fertilising the grass so that there is no room for the weeds to grow.
When we focus on not doing the wrong thing, even when it’s with good intentions, we often end up hitting the pole, falling in the gutter and getting those physical and metaphorical scars that may never fully heal.
Matthew 14:22-33 says that Jesus had gone up into the hills by himself to pray. Meanwhile the disciples were in trouble far away from land, for a strong wind had risen and they were fighting heavy waves. About 3 o'clock in the morning Jesus came toward them, walking on water. When the disciples saw him walking on the water they were terrified. In their fear they cried out "it's a ghost!" But Jesus spoke to them at once "don't be afraid" he said "take courage. I am here!" Then Peter called to him "Lord if it's really you tell me to come to you, walking on the water." "Yes come" Jesus said.
So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus. But when he saw the strong wind and the waves, he was terrified and began to sink. Peter looked to Jesus and walked straight out of the boat on water. The very moment he lost sight of Jesus and focused on the waves and wind he began to sink. "Save me Lord!" Peter shouted. Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him. The moment he shifted his gaze back to the Lord, Jesus reached out and saved him. If we focus on the waves of the difficult circumstances we are in without putting our faith in Jesus we will sink. We need to focus on Jesus' power and not our weakness.
If you look to Jesus, He will help you avoid those terrible accidents and painful scars, he will keep you from sinking.
In Matthew 6:33 we are told to “Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be given to you aswell." Seek his kingdom first.
“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.” Philippians 4:8
You go where you look
