after a year of enduring abuse & sleepless nights
it was so dark
but we managed to scrape by,
grasping for the light
hopeful for change,
a new home, a new year,
a new start
wait something doesn’t feel right?
somehow it still feels the same,
i don’t think this season hasn’t ended yet,
oh here we go again
we know the drill,
we know the pain
this time i gave in and took the doctors pills;
my dignity washed down the drain
we’d worked so hard,
it wasn’t supposed to go this way
how are we still here?
day after day after day
the questions plague us
the waiting goes on and on
unease fills our hearts
the minutes feel too long
a part of me just shut down
the tears just stopped falling
i was numb to everything around me
but i could just make out a voice calling
so many goodbyes
one, two, three, four
the tears are building again
i can’t hold it in anymore
i’d shut down my emotions
just to get through
i chose not to feel
but it shut down the girl i knew too
feeling deeply is hard
creativity comes at a cost
they go hand in hand
suppress one and the other is lost
so my numbness gave way to raw emotion
all of it at once.
didn’t You say we were chosen?
chosen for what?
grief. joy. heartache. confusion.
love. anger. pain and wonder.
overwhelm.
i run to the arms of a Saviour
but it’s still too loud in here.
i know i’m being held close
i’m screaming the scriptures out
but my heart doesn’t get it
i’m filled with doubt
that same train goes past
every single day
reminding me of what we saw
and how her body lay
a great battle rages on
the questions grow and grow
where are you in our anguish Lord?
please, i need to know.
i need to stay here
but I want to go
there’s a constant tension
i can’t see many highs but i sure see the lows
heaven just sounds so sweet
but i’m holding this little boy
desperately praying for the strength to stay
Lord, i need some joy
we’re picking flowers
the sun comes out
i see Him in the simplicity
peace in the drought
i can see the light
it’s at the end of the tunnel
another loss occurs.
how long will we endure the struggle?
the light seems too far away now.
the tears overwhelm
we’re wailing at a graveside
but we’re marvelling at the daisies
oh the rollercoaster, it’s crazy
there is beauty.
there is pain.
i have no strength.
lives lost.
lives gained.
a glimpse of the promise of heaven
the world grows dim
oh how badly i want to trust
as i sing these old hymns
month after month after month
how much longer can we endure?
i know our hope is secure;
but I’m still weeping on the floor
i’m pregnant!
oh thank you Lord
a new life, a new start
wait,
why can’t we hear her little heart?
another loss.
9 lives gone.
this time it was inside my own body
Lord, i choose to still sing your song
loving is dangerous
loving is scary
i think i can see Jesus,
a little more clearly
we fall again, i can’t do it
it’s hard to see the light
deep grief holds the place where deep love once was
i choose walk by faith and not by sight
He was a man of sorrows
one acquainted with grief
He knows this path
He knows the pain of losing a life, even if the life was brief
i’m grateful to have loved
to have felt so deeply
so i will endure this pain,
because our hope is not in tomorrow;
for Jesus Christ holds the victory.